Back in 2005, I had gone to the gym for my free workout session with a personal trainer and she asked me what I ate in a day. There is no food in your food is what she had said to me. I was super offended. I took what I ate very personally. Looking back now I understand what she was saying. I really stop listening to people after they cross that line of offensiveness to me. I was eating pizza almost daily. Lunch was a cheese quesadilla almost every day. The fast food and not so fast food too was a lot of processed garbage. When I did my eating history in program I had noted that I had been a vegetarian for 12 years. I was not the nuts and tofu variety vegetarian. Nope I was the daily cheese pizza eating kind. I think it fed my need for high carb high fat food consumption and was a great excuse to eat crap. It was an attempt to control my eating. Yesterday one of my fellows in program said to me, “I had an epiphany today that God is in food.” I said well he is in the food I eat today because most of what I eat now is really close to its natural state but the foods I used to eat were so processed it left my High Power out. The whole time I was a ‘cheese pizza’ vegetarian was the farthest away I have been from my Higher Power. The next thought my brain had was of course God is in food why else would they have the Eucharist in the religion I was raised in. This was such an enlighten thought to me. I try not to use any artificial sweetners not because of any health issue but because I think they play into the lie that food/beverages need to be sweeter then they are. When I believe that foods need to be sweeter for me to consume them it changes my pallate and then everything I eat need to be sweeter. It’s as if I am saying that grapefruits are not good enough I need to add more sweetness to them to make then better. This plays out in my life too, I start to think that the life I have should be sweeter then it is. I start to think I should have things other people have and I stop appreciating all the gifts I have been given in my life. It’s a lie. If the rest of my daily diet is not drown in fake sweet that grapefruit is plenty sweet for me. When I count my blessings my life has an awesome amount of joy. The closer I am to life in it’s natural state the closer I am to my Higher Power.
I do not generally think of myself as a fearful person. So when fear comes up for me I really like to throw it under the microscope and examine it. The funny thing that I am learning about fear is that it has many disguises. So when you are feeling other feelings you have to sometime really look ’em in the eye and see if you see the eyes of fear staring you down.
I belong to a
way too expensive gym and they offer a class/group for swimming. It is actually part of a series for triathletes so they all swim bike and run together. I am doing a Triathlon in August. I am doing it because having an event helps motivate me to get workouts in. I have done 4 triathlons in the past and my goal in each was to finish last. I have not ever been last so I have beat my goal in every race. I have learned a lot from doing the events and the most important thing is that you should not not compete just because everyone else is better than you. I beat every person that did not run those races. I am the 1st to admit that I am not good at any of the events. I am not a good swimmer or biker or runner. It didn’t matter to me ever I just did the events. Well I decided that this year instead of just finishing I want to swim and not be afraid of drowning. Yes in each of the 4 tri’s I have done I thought that there was a good possibility that I was not coming out of the water. The swims are done in lakes and I do the late season events and the weeds scare me to death. I am not a strong swimmer and I know if I was better at swimming the weeds wouldn’t have so much power over my thoughts. The class at my gym was appealing as an action I could do to help be become a better swimmer. I saw the notice about the class in January. It took me until March to inquire about how the class works and I made myself promise that I would go the week after vacation. I could not believe how very nervous I was about going. I forgot my hair tie my goggles and swim cap at home but told myself no excuse you are going. I found a hair tie in my car and the teacher had extra goggles and a swim cap. There is the friendliest gal who has been in the ‘club’ for 3 years and is the queen of the slow lane. I am so grateful to her for making me feel comfortable. She is a blessing beyond what she knows. Last week I was sick so I couldn’t go so this week I was afraid of going again. I made myself put my swim suit on when I woke up so there would be no excuses for me. I went. I feel like I won. Fear lost this battle and fear will not rule me.
So I just wanted to give a quick update. I am now in my 9th month of my program. It is a simple program but it is not always easy. I am still subject to and of life. I am now through to the 10th step where I am now taking a daily inventory to keep a pulse on my mood and behavior each and every day. It has been truly eye opening. I am grateful for it. I am going to work on step 11 which is daily meditation and prayer and then off to the 12th step which is working with others. I have been doing that since 90 days. I have a sponsee that calls me with her food. It is such an interesting relationship and I just give her the program of recovery as outlined in our meetings. I know a lot of sponsors like to ass other requirements and tell their sponsees that they must work the program exactly they way they do or they will not sponsor them. I am not that type of sponsor. I know this is a progressive disease and that they maybe further in or not then I was when I came in. I just give them the program exactly as it is so that I am carrying that message… this is not O..A Wishful Shrinking that would be a lonely room!
I am down 63 pounds so far and not too far from my first goal. When I hit 164 I will be going to the U of M and doing the bod pod testing. I feel it is SUPER important to have a goal weight that is set by your lean body mass not some random number. I have a lot of lean body mass so we shall see where I am at. the last time I had it done 164 was the goal the Dr set however I am not sure if it will be the same since I am pretty sure that was done before my plastics. I don’t remember. I have started me training for my triathlon in August. Our vacation was 11 days of fun in the sun. We really had a good time in Mexico. Some of my friends are just in shock that I didn’t go off plan and didn’t have 1 cocktail. I was so very present this vacation I didn’t check out into the food or the drink… It made vacation super fun. I even went to an open AA meeting in English it take care of my 1 meeting a week rule. It all worked out.